my reasons are not excuses!

its not pride, its conviction. (but then again, i do have somthing to be proud of too.) i am not a bad person. just an angry one. i am not capable of hate, but yes, i am frustrated. i know how to forgive, but i take my time. i know how to ask forgiveness, but forgiveness comes with respect. respect is earned. i may speak the most damned of words, bashing, but the hell, i'd only say it to those who deserves it. and now, i won't back down. i'd stand my ground, and be firm with what i believe in -- sincerity, honesty, the value of trust and understanding, and all the justices friendship can give.

i cant blame myself for thinking this way; for asking to much from my friends. as human as i am, i too have my needs. tell me, is it too much to ask for the same understanding, love, or care? i am very confident to say that i have been a good, no a great friend to each of them. i gave them my admiration, my respect. but what happens when all these things are not acknowledged; neglected? 'its just another one of his gigs to get our attention' they may say.... this is just too unfair for me. you then tend to grow indifferent of them.

i admit. i am not one of the most pleasing guys around. but then again, i am not a pleaser. so very often i tell people what i really feel about them. life is short, you'r better off saying what you really feel. but people do not feel the same way as i do. they're better of telling them in the most sarcastic manner, as if a joke, or worse, backbiting. i have experienced both of these. it hurts the most when it comes from someone who you regarded as genuine friend. the petiest of comments seems to be peircing to the ears. but you forget about it and go on with your life since they're your friends and all. you try hiding the hurt with a smile.

see, friendship, i believe, is a give and take proccess.but i guess, in my circle of friends, i was the only one who believed in this bullshit. and maybe i did expect too much. i did not feel the "give" from them. but i really did want the "take". i felt i was giving, but was never taking; receiving. to me, it makes all the difference. the trust, the admiration, the understanding. i loved them. take note: loved. so where did all the love go? indifference i guess.

the damage was done, and now, all thats left is the hope for reconcilliation. which as of now i am not capable of. why? it hurts! am not ready. is it my fault? is it pride when they ask forgiveness and i simply take my time? where's the understanding in that? then, one thing leads to another.

every little thing has a reason. one may not see or grasp theses reasons but if you look close enough, there is always something beneath it all.