Summing Up S.Y. 09-10

hmmm... i might be in quite a good mood today seeing as im going to write this blog... :D

i have this feeling, im not that sure what it is, but i guess its the feeling of knowing that your first year of college is almost over. it all just happened so fast and maybe i just want to take it all in for now.

college is different. its a whole mixture of experiences, of home-sickness, of all-nighters, stress... loads of shiiiiiiittt!!! i've never actually computed my grades for the sake of passing. it' s hard.high school never put pressure on me. i blame it on the name of the school.

there are a lot of new people to meet here, though not as awesome as most of the people in high school(or as funny for that matter), its quite interesting to be saturated in a new environment. although quite intimidated with all the talents and intelligence, its easy to learn from people here. all are very interesting, some, quite annoying, but its college! getting low grades is a shame. its a competition, and your part of it whether you like it or not. and mind you, not all of them are snobs or boastful. but then again, if you do have something to brag about . . . :D

"dormming" is not that awesome either. roommates tend to get under my skin. i hate the noise they make while i'm sleeping. but being here, by the fact that you are in a dorm, is agreeing to the protocol of having to interact and be patient with zoo animals, to that point that you become one yourself. (rolls eyes) talk about going with the flow! the room is a big mess!

dormming does have its perks though: late-night group studies and... that's mostly it. i also hate having to walk from here to school every single day. i hate the heat, the dust, the smell of sewers, i hate the pollution that shrouds the whole city. its "close"; a spitting distance away.thus you can come home every time you need to relieve your self-- another advantage (wink wink). transportation is expensive. food is fattening. our budget is salvation!

the worst part of it all is the work load. right now, im actually feeling guilty writing this blog. i mean, when i can be working or studying on something else like MATH!

they say we have more time as college students. i think we do have more time; more time to gloat, to worry, to cuss and to stress about deadlines, and long tests, and midterms. for someone who was never use to working with this caliber, like that of a typical honor student equipped with good study habits and diligence in their arsenal, cramming is my only method of survival. and cramming gets a toll on you! ugliness is a price to pay.

our campus is undeniably awesome! i actually never thought of seeing a campus as beautiful as Pandora!(OVER haha) who would have thought hell week happens here!? its a good mixture of green and concrete, like a park, but it isn't.

our teachers are funny. you can tell that a teacher is a good teacher if they can make you laugh. if not, then screw you(kidding)! and heres something very interesting (well at least for me), some of the teachers here suck (and im not kidding this time)! ha! mediocrity exists everywhere. even here. even if excellence is your tagline. our id lace is a proof. anyway, most of our teachers are great. they are all very considerate, understandable, very smart. you are sure to learn from them.

i've been hating a lot on things but i just cant help but feel so thankful for all these shit. i love my school, and i love where i am now. i love the experiences.i love learning on my own, and i love learning to love what i hate. i am blessed therefore i am happy.

i guess this sums up my feelings for now: my feelings on the end of my first year in college. i just hope that i do graduate from this particular school, with this particular course and that i may hurdle all the obstacles thrown before me.

the thing that scares me the most is failing and i really don't know how to motivate myself when im faced with too many things to do. procrastination is still something that i consistently do, and try to fight. good study habits is what im aiming for as of now. i wish someday it will improve. i hope it did since high school.

its a whole lot of confusion-- college! but its really, really okay.... :)

sorry to tell you

my conscience is clear. i have nothing to be guilty about. i am no evil. and i strongly, strongly believe in this. i can justify my actions, not because i am too full of my self, but because i know what i am doing. no hypocrite can ever put me down. very specially not a hypocrite; a hypocrite who obviously cant justify their crooked way of thinking; a hypocrite who judges for, i don't know. maybe for a sense of satisfaction and achievement, and, an even more pathetic reason, for fun?!

hypocrite, you have hurt and angered me once or twice, too many. and you know what? you do deserve to be shunned. (ha! better search for that word) and yeah, if you ask me what you've done wrong, i can give you reasons. but what's really disappointing is that you talk about pride and such as if you really know what it means. i can't swallow my pride for you. very sad to say, but there really is no pride to swallow. what i can be proud of has nothing to do with this.

i can still rememeber the time you made code names for me, just so that i would not understand who you were refferring to when you told stories to your clique. but please hypocrite, you cant be that stupid, thinking that i am stupid enough not to not know! but i really, really understand!and what's up with all the smiles you gave me? i can tell, you had something to say. but why hide it from me? you were only there when we were having fun, like some ugly freeloader... please hypocrite, tell me... what do you really feel? if you have something to say, dont just write it down on a piece of paper. you'd have to write me a book for me to understand... awwww.... i am so sorry hypocrite, i really am. i hurt your feelings... it wont happen again... but whats this hypocrite? was that hug all for show? where did all your compassion for me go? i thought you really did miss me.

this is sad hypocrite. i thought you were my friends. you must be really proud of yourself huh? because you have your posse with you. and yes, i can see you... all of you.you all think your right.i know that you talk about me too. you just can't help it huh? you say that i have gotten worse. yes, i agree. i have my short comings. but please, look at yourself first. what can you really offer? you look at yourself like a perfect saint, how you critisize others, then laugh about it.

you know what? i have my imperfections too. its what makes me human. and i am very sorry for them. i should have told you what i felt; the gut feelings i kept sooner. i demanded you to tell me.this makes me realize how i should have acted sooner and should not have waited for you. it is so disappointing.

but then again, despite my imperfections, you too have your own short comings. you were only there with me during the fun times. sometimes you made me think of others differently; stupidly; badly. i have tried to sqeeze what you felt about me out by making you mad, but you never did say a word.you did no speak for me, when i did not have a fighting chance against those who despised me for the wrong reasons. you never told me they felt that way about me. how was i then to change for you, for everyone. it was you who had something to say, not me. i did not know anything. but what you felt, you kept it to yourself. i can totally feel what you felt about me. i was not wrong. i had proven it to myself. i know, i should'nt have given you the impression of me getting mad when being told. but talking behind my back hurts even more than being frank with me. do you see your faults too? i dont always have to mend everything, even if you did not ask me to. i feel like i dont always have to take the first step.

oh yes! i too am guilty of speaking against people. everyone is guilty of this. but i guess what makes me different from you is your two-faced behaviour against people you dont even like. why bother hanging out with them if you dont even like them?

but nevertheless, i did learn a lot of things from this experience hypocrite-my friend. and surely i'll take it advantage in the future.i learned the value of scincerity and trust. from this experience, i will pick my friends wisely, especially my best friends. i will cherish even more my truest friends, and give chance to those who has so many things to say about me. (even though i really was open for it.) now, i realize that you can never change a person, regardless of how much you try. they wont because they cant. but really, there is not harm in trying though. i wonder wether these past few year were all real...

then again, this exprience have been very surreal. i felt the care and understanding of those who would really stand up for me through thick and thin. even those people whom i did not like before. i felt their love,their compassion, their care. and for once, maybe even just for a short while, i felt what i was asking from you hypocrite. i thank them, so, so much.

dear hypocrite, things will never be the same again. i am sure of that. because this is what i want. this will be what i will stand for. change. i want us to change.

my reasons are not excuses!

its not pride, its conviction. (but then again, i do have somthing to be proud of too.) i am not a bad person. just an angry one. i am not capable of hate, but yes, i am frustrated. i know how to forgive, but i take my time. i know how to ask forgiveness, but forgiveness comes with respect. respect is earned. i may speak the most damned of words, bashing, but the hell, i'd only say it to those who deserves it. and now, i won't back down. i'd stand my ground, and be firm with what i believe in -- sincerity, honesty, the value of trust and understanding, and all the justices friendship can give.

i cant blame myself for thinking this way; for asking to much from my friends. as human as i am, i too have my needs. tell me, is it too much to ask for the same understanding, love, or care? i am very confident to say that i have been a good, no a great friend to each of them. i gave them my admiration, my respect. but what happens when all these things are not acknowledged; neglected? 'its just another one of his gigs to get our attention' they may say.... this is just too unfair for me. you then tend to grow indifferent of them.

i admit. i am not one of the most pleasing guys around. but then again, i am not a pleaser. so very often i tell people what i really feel about them. life is short, you'r better off saying what you really feel. but people do not feel the same way as i do. they're better of telling them in the most sarcastic manner, as if a joke, or worse, backbiting. i have experienced both of these. it hurts the most when it comes from someone who you regarded as genuine friend. the petiest of comments seems to be peircing to the ears. but you forget about it and go on with your life since they're your friends and all. you try hiding the hurt with a smile.

see, friendship, i believe, is a give and take proccess.but i guess, in my circle of friends, i was the only one who believed in this bullshit. and maybe i did expect too much. i did not feel the "give" from them. but i really did want the "take". i felt i was giving, but was never taking; receiving. to me, it makes all the difference. the trust, the admiration, the understanding. i loved them. take note: loved. so where did all the love go? indifference i guess.

the damage was done, and now, all thats left is the hope for reconcilliation. which as of now i am not capable of. why? it hurts! am not ready. is it my fault? is it pride when they ask forgiveness and i simply take my time? where's the understanding in that? then, one thing leads to another.

every little thing has a reason. one may not see or grasp theses reasons but if you look close enough, there is always something beneath it all.

just so excited!

so sick and so tired of sseeing the same faces, doing the same thing, living a life of indifference maybe, or a life filled with lies and hypocricy... and living with the same people who may or may not turn their backs on you someday is freakn' unbearable... when you thought you can trust someone, some people.... but really, can one blame himself for bein too attached when there's no point at being that way? urgh! the hell with them all, few months from now we may part and what's left with me is that fact taht after trying so hard at being a friend to them all and giving them my respects, i never thought that the day would come where i'd say, am sick and tired of them... urgh! am just so excited to graduate, can help but think bout my future and my summer!! the only things keepin me alive here in a place where i don't think i even belong!


post it red for anger! :))

sembreak: no so much of a break!!

everyone of us seems too look forward to breaks, may it be semester breaks, Christmas vacation, summer vacation and even recess... the feeling of having to chill with friends and your family just seems so precious... but when suddenly, all these privilege that you look forward too is suddenly stripped of you...wouldn't you feel haggard, harassed even? especially when an additional burden is given too you!!!?

duuuuhh!!! SUCKS HARD!!! damn journey to forever...

yeah, of course, there is no denying the fact of having other privileges in joining this "sought after" play that our school is going to have... the incentives and all are quite satisfying.... but there is also no denying the fact that the cast has to sacrifice their sem break for it...

this journey to forever had been like a journey to hell... juggling the studying ang praticing is no joke... i even had too give up DLSU-ET bacolod for it, and have to travel all the way too cebu to take it... Expense!?!?! plus, the schedule for this exam also contradicts to our class night!! our very last class night!! urgh!! head-ache!!

this semestral break just seems to be the perfect way to just forget all our problems and just drift away to a pocketful of sunshine.. its for these reason that it had been so sought after for me... bonding with the family, chilling with friends, having fun, creating precious moments and the such...

the journey to forever may just be a play... one may ask me to just quit it.. but standing up for it doesn't just mean you standing up for your own talents and to share them, its more than that... it shows commitment, character, generosity, discipline, loyalty, love, and more over--- "magis"... im not filling my head with all these things, im just saying... saying that it may not be all that bad, learning things along the way...

im just asking for some rest... i want some rest!!

and so i made up my mind!--- i simply wont attend the last two days of practice during this sembreak... hahaha!!!

beaches, movies, food trips.... here i come!!!

kulam...

we watched this movie today... we as in my classmates and i, at the same day of the celebration of hannah's birthday(0ct. 15)...and juli's(Oct.12)... it was really fun-- yellowcab, then the movies....

what's funny is that the movie was supposed to be horror, yet it was turned comedic due to the shrills, not of fright, rather of laughter... shouting at the top of your lungs? sure, its strains your vocal cords!! so what? what matters is that you get to laugh at Maria's uber-white teeth...

its just a pity how Filipino films can tend to be so corny and pathetic... with the use of primitive special effects, who would want that? we can commend judy-anne's acting, but really, the youth of today can't be carried away with just that... seeing the incompetence of this movie also reflects on how i view our country as well... i mean, how poor can we get? yuh, special effects cost too yah no!! you wont care now, but, really, dont just dream of working in other countries.... what are the chances of that? aside from this, there are also the probabilities that you end up with a bad employer, so forget it!! yeah! help our country istead.. so back to the topic, the movie was just ok.. the plot, the effets, the stroy all-in-all was just ok... the beauty of it can be fgound on how we enjoy the movie with those people who makes us happy and also, the preservation of our cultutral heritage(kulam and all)...

it sure was a lot of fun so, go ahead and try watching it.... with friends of course.... you'd fall asleep if you wont... ;)

my first blog

yes, this is my first blog!! i wanted one ever since Mg. len-len showed me her blog site. why? i really dont know actually... to store memories perhaps? yeah, just like today...

its oct. 11, 08 -- B-day ni Juli-anne andres bwas... lapit nalang exams, 2nd grading exam of my 4th year in high skul.. as im writing this entry, im sitting beside gerald, with tania, using ivana's laptop... we're at ivana's house by the way...

today is different for me ,for today is another experience... everyday, i think of how i can savor each and every moment of my remaining days as a fourth year student with, of course, my classmates as a youth... i say as a youth for time flies by so fast i can never catch it... no one can!! it really is a pity; how one realizes how important people or things are to them only when it is about to move on, or is about to be lost... anyway, today is different because im actually supposed to study with my classmates for the exams here in ivana's house... yes, its my first, thats why!! its my first to study with my classmates in someone elses house, which is great by the why because im losing time... im trying to recover it by spending time with my classmates and experienceing new things... yesterday for example, we stayed late in school to study... which is again another first... imagine, its your 4th year in highschool and you experience things such as this only for the first time in your almost 3 and a half years of living the highschool life!!! yesterday was funny, coz we were almost locked in by the guard inside the school building..we were "ghost hunting"... as if... actually, we were locked in... good thing he, the guard, was still there... i was with kat, tania, ge, and ferds!! haha!! fun times... fun times... its things like these, petty things, which i would like to remember someday... this is the purpose of my blog... my purpose for this blog is not to complain of how meaningless and hopeless my life is, trying to be all emo and such(this is sooo stupid), or maybe complain of how poor our country is... maybe sometimes... but just sometimes. im just not that way... so as you read my blog, smile coz this is what i live for.. living a life of meaning, and purpose, and joy.... what else can i say?

now, you've seen a glimpse of me, myself and I!! theres more too me... i hope with my blogs, people may relate with me, and laugh with me as i convey my realizations and thoughts....
:)