sorry to tell you

my conscience is clear. i have nothing to be guilty about. i am no evil. and i strongly, strongly believe in this. i can justify my actions, not because i am too full of my self, but because i know what i am doing. no hypocrite can ever put me down. very specially not a hypocrite; a hypocrite who obviously cant justify their crooked way of thinking; a hypocrite who judges for, i don't know. maybe for a sense of satisfaction and achievement, and, an even more pathetic reason, for fun?!

hypocrite, you have hurt and angered me once or twice, too many. and you know what? you do deserve to be shunned. (ha! better search for that word) and yeah, if you ask me what you've done wrong, i can give you reasons. but what's really disappointing is that you talk about pride and such as if you really know what it means. i can't swallow my pride for you. very sad to say, but there really is no pride to swallow. what i can be proud of has nothing to do with this.

i can still rememeber the time you made code names for me, just so that i would not understand who you were refferring to when you told stories to your clique. but please hypocrite, you cant be that stupid, thinking that i am stupid enough not to not know! but i really, really understand!and what's up with all the smiles you gave me? i can tell, you had something to say. but why hide it from me? you were only there when we were having fun, like some ugly freeloader... please hypocrite, tell me... what do you really feel? if you have something to say, dont just write it down on a piece of paper. you'd have to write me a book for me to understand... awwww.... i am so sorry hypocrite, i really am. i hurt your feelings... it wont happen again... but whats this hypocrite? was that hug all for show? where did all your compassion for me go? i thought you really did miss me.

this is sad hypocrite. i thought you were my friends. you must be really proud of yourself huh? because you have your posse with you. and yes, i can see you... all of you.you all think your right.i know that you talk about me too. you just can't help it huh? you say that i have gotten worse. yes, i agree. i have my short comings. but please, look at yourself first. what can you really offer? you look at yourself like a perfect saint, how you critisize others, then laugh about it.

you know what? i have my imperfections too. its what makes me human. and i am very sorry for them. i should have told you what i felt; the gut feelings i kept sooner. i demanded you to tell me.this makes me realize how i should have acted sooner and should not have waited for you. it is so disappointing.

but then again, despite my imperfections, you too have your own short comings. you were only there with me during the fun times. sometimes you made me think of others differently; stupidly; badly. i have tried to sqeeze what you felt about me out by making you mad, but you never did say a word.you did no speak for me, when i did not have a fighting chance against those who despised me for the wrong reasons. you never told me they felt that way about me. how was i then to change for you, for everyone. it was you who had something to say, not me. i did not know anything. but what you felt, you kept it to yourself. i can totally feel what you felt about me. i was not wrong. i had proven it to myself. i know, i should'nt have given you the impression of me getting mad when being told. but talking behind my back hurts even more than being frank with me. do you see your faults too? i dont always have to mend everything, even if you did not ask me to. i feel like i dont always have to take the first step.

oh yes! i too am guilty of speaking against people. everyone is guilty of this. but i guess what makes me different from you is your two-faced behaviour against people you dont even like. why bother hanging out with them if you dont even like them?

but nevertheless, i did learn a lot of things from this experience hypocrite-my friend. and surely i'll take it advantage in the future.i learned the value of scincerity and trust. from this experience, i will pick my friends wisely, especially my best friends. i will cherish even more my truest friends, and give chance to those who has so many things to say about me. (even though i really was open for it.) now, i realize that you can never change a person, regardless of how much you try. they wont because they cant. but really, there is not harm in trying though. i wonder wether these past few year were all real...

then again, this exprience have been very surreal. i felt the care and understanding of those who would really stand up for me through thick and thin. even those people whom i did not like before. i felt their love,their compassion, their care. and for once, maybe even just for a short while, i felt what i was asking from you hypocrite. i thank them, so, so much.

dear hypocrite, things will never be the same again. i am sure of that. because this is what i want. this will be what i will stand for. change. i want us to change.

my reasons are not excuses!

its not pride, its conviction. (but then again, i do have somthing to be proud of too.) i am not a bad person. just an angry one. i am not capable of hate, but yes, i am frustrated. i know how to forgive, but i take my time. i know how to ask forgiveness, but forgiveness comes with respect. respect is earned. i may speak the most damned of words, bashing, but the hell, i'd only say it to those who deserves it. and now, i won't back down. i'd stand my ground, and be firm with what i believe in -- sincerity, honesty, the value of trust and understanding, and all the justices friendship can give.

i cant blame myself for thinking this way; for asking to much from my friends. as human as i am, i too have my needs. tell me, is it too much to ask for the same understanding, love, or care? i am very confident to say that i have been a good, no a great friend to each of them. i gave them my admiration, my respect. but what happens when all these things are not acknowledged; neglected? 'its just another one of his gigs to get our attention' they may say.... this is just too unfair for me. you then tend to grow indifferent of them.

i admit. i am not one of the most pleasing guys around. but then again, i am not a pleaser. so very often i tell people what i really feel about them. life is short, you'r better off saying what you really feel. but people do not feel the same way as i do. they're better of telling them in the most sarcastic manner, as if a joke, or worse, backbiting. i have experienced both of these. it hurts the most when it comes from someone who you regarded as genuine friend. the petiest of comments seems to be peircing to the ears. but you forget about it and go on with your life since they're your friends and all. you try hiding the hurt with a smile.

see, friendship, i believe, is a give and take proccess.but i guess, in my circle of friends, i was the only one who believed in this bullshit. and maybe i did expect too much. i did not feel the "give" from them. but i really did want the "take". i felt i was giving, but was never taking; receiving. to me, it makes all the difference. the trust, the admiration, the understanding. i loved them. take note: loved. so where did all the love go? indifference i guess.

the damage was done, and now, all thats left is the hope for reconcilliation. which as of now i am not capable of. why? it hurts! am not ready. is it my fault? is it pride when they ask forgiveness and i simply take my time? where's the understanding in that? then, one thing leads to another.

every little thing has a reason. one may not see or grasp theses reasons but if you look close enough, there is always something beneath it all.